One Cold Night
by Shikibu Murasaki
Summary: What exactly goes on their minds when their just lying there? Sanzo/Hakkai musings. Slightly mushy or might even be too mushy for my own good.


One Cold Night  
  
By: Murasaki_Honou  
  
Disclaimers: Sanzo/Hakkai musings. What are they both thinking after it's all over? A little OOC, I'm not too good at this yet, it's only been almost a year since I first watch Saiyuki. Can't blame a girl for trying - or can you?  
  
*****  
  
He collapses right beside me, catching his breath - his violet eyes don't even look at me as I look at him. I try to wipe the sweat trickling down his neck away, he only turns away and does it himself. Still trying to calm his breathing down - I look at him before I sigh and look ahead. I should be use to this already. After all, this is all that there is to it, isn't that right?  
  
''Daijoubu desu ka, Sanzo?'' I ask him in a gentle and soft voice. I know he would never respond to me like I would usually talk to him. Should he tell me to leave him alone I'll expect it. He didn't say anything - his breathing was calming down a bit and I think it's a good thing. I can't help but smile to myself. At least I knew I had done something to let him unwind. Most of the time, that's what he needed. And that's why I'm here.  
  
''Aa.'' He finally answered. Pulling the covers up to him, I knew he had closed his eyes already to get some sleep. ''Yokatta desu ne.''  
  
I paused and looked at him again. It's only been a few weeks since this had been going on. I don't even understand how it started in the first place. Was it raining that night? I think it was. I could remember, I couldn't sleep because of the noise the raindrops made against my window. I got up and he was there - we had been sharing the same room, I think. Since there were only two rooms available and it was too late to look for another inn. Gojyo and Goku and even Sanzo himself didn't want to camp out. We were forced to pick who we would stay with.  
  
Gojyo said he would have been damned to pick 'the corrupt, bitter monk.' He had chosen to stay with the 'stomach brained monkey' instead. Sanzo, I think was relieved. He knew at least with me around, he could actually get some sleep.  
  
But we didn't expect rain that night.  
  
I opened my emerald eyes to find him sitting by the window. He was smoking a cigarette in hand and he looked up.  
  
''Hakkai.'' he said softly and gently. Though I didn't think he noticed the tone of his own voice.  
  
''Sou desu ne. ame ga.'' I said trailing off as I sat up. ''The raindrops are making too much noise. It's impossible to get any sleep.'' I smiled at him, trying to hide the sadness in my voice. ''deshoo?''  
  
We both didn't like rain. We would remember something painful. Something we chose to forget but couldn't. It isn't that easy after all. I saw melancholy in his eyes that night. Though he tried his best to hide it with his usual scowl. I knew he was in pain, every raindrop felt heavy. Reminding him and taunting him how he had lost that someone he loved.  
  
It did the same for me as well.  
  
''Aa. Sou da na.'' he agreed, putting out the cigarette and looking up.  
  
''Well, I'm not hearing any complaints from Gojyo or Goku.'' I said, getting up and walking towards him. ''Maybe it is just us.''  
  
Sanzo didn't say anything more. He only nodded and looked ahead.  
  
''Boku mou - ame ga kirai desu yo, Sanzo.'' ''Wakatta da.'' He looked at me. ''I can remember well.''  
  
I didn't know what came over me as we looked at each other that night. He was just as lonely as I was, I could tell. We were silent for a few moments, until I had heard the thunder roaring slightly from outside. It looked like the rain was getting stronger. Sanzo looked as if he had bit something back as he looked up and scowled, angrily and bitterly up at the sky.  
  
''Go back to sleep, Hakkai.'' He said in a low voice. ''We still have a long way to go.''  
  
''Sanzo.'' I trailed off, not knowing what to tell him next. I had expected him to ignore me and not say anything - but he looked back at me. His eyes telling me everything I needed to know. I only smiled sadly at him and bowed.  
  
''Ja, Oyasumi nasai, Sanzo.'' ''Matte.'' I looked up as he grabbed me back by the arm. As I looked back behind me, I saw his violet eyes looking into my emerald colored ones.  
  
''Doushite desu? Sanzo?''  
  
I didn't understand why he kissed me next. Was he trying to forget the pain?  
  
Maybe I was just trying to do the same as I responded.  
  
And now, I lay beside him - looking at him. I knew for now, and maybe for the rest of this trip. It would be nothing more but this.  
  
''Ja, Oyasumi nasai.'' I said as I turned back, the covers pulled up to me. I wanted to say something else after that - but even I wasn't sure.  
  
****  
  
He thinks I'm asleep.  
  
I know he's looking at me and he's probably expecting me to say something or talk to him - or maybe he expects the opposite of that. He knows how I am and he understands it. He knows I'll ignore him, he knows I'll tell him plainly to go to sleep. In the morning, this will mean nothing than what it already is right now. Those two idiots over at the other room won't suspect a thing anyway.  
  
Why the hell did I get into this thing anyway?  
  
Even I don't understand why I kissed him. That moment I just wanted to. And I've never stopped myself before if I wanted to do anything. I didn't even understand when he responded. I guess he knew we both wanted it - maybe it's more that we both needed it.  
  
We hate the rain. We both can't sleep when it does rain. It's been only a few weeks since this whole thing started. Most nights he'd come to me when that stupid monkey and Gojyo were asleep. If any of them found out - I'd have to kill them. Hakkai knows that and that's why he hasn't said a thing. But what's the point of telling them anyway? This isn't a big deal after all. Night after night, this happens and it hasn't been bothering me.  
  
But why is it that I get so annoyed? I want to tell him something. I know that I'm starting to make something of this, even though I've told myself about a million times, sex is just sex. It's a workable understanding isn't it? But why is it that the past few days I've been looking at him - I could hear myself yelling from the inside. It's irritating and I hate having to go through it.  
  
Now I want a smoke.  
  
I could hear his breathing. From the looks of things, he's asleep.  
  
I sit up slowly, it doesn't seem to wake him. Good, the last thing I need right now is that annoying feeling I get every time I look at him, when I know he's staring and smiling at me. It's not that I mind, since I'm used to it. Sometimes, I found myself wanting to smile back. But I stop myself before I can even try.  
  
It's not a good idea to mess with these things. I should have stopped myself from doing anything. I don't want anymore trouble, I told them before. I especially told Hakkai that.  
  
But why didn't I stop myself?  
  
I reach for my cigarettes and take one out. I definitely needed that smoke.  
  
I pause and I look at him as he slept. I don't know why, but I got the feeling again. I shook my head and tried to shrug it off, but goddamn it, goddamn it all, I can't.  
  
''You don't have to stay here if you don't want to.'' I told him once. ''You don't have to keep doing this with me if you don't want to.''  
  
But he only smiled at me and said. ''I'm afraid it isn't that easy. If I didn't want to do this, then - I would have told you a long time ago. It seems that - it's hard to leave you behind.''  
  
I put the cigarette away and lean down, kissing the side of his neck and then his cheek. He stirs slightly - I don't know if he was awake to feel it. I don't know what I really felt about him. Did I want to say anything else.  
  
''Aa. Yasumi da.''  
  
I guess for now, this is gonna have to do.  
****  
  
Well, that's done. And it's 12:08 in the morning! It seems that I couldn't go to sleep without working on this fic. I think I'm ready for my jammies now. Flames? Comments? Rantings for the OOCness? Mail me. 


End file.
